The Polyjuice Potion

Many news outlets breathlessly reported that British scientists had concocted an age-defying diet that would cut the risks of heart disease by 80% and extend men’s lifespan by an average of 7 years. All that was required was a daily dose of red wine, dark chocolate, garlic, and almonds. Hmm, already sounds like a Ben and Jerry’s flavor!

Alas, what the news outlets failed to mention is that the “polymeal” concept was a tongue-in-cheek paper designed to amuse. What am I supposed to do with my 100 pounds of almonds?