Cocaine, the Follow-Up

So you’re marketing Cocaine Energy Drink, and you start to hear the following from the politicians:

“There are only two reasons that you would seek to use this infamous and insidious name to market your so-called energy drink,” said Councilman James Sanders Jr. of Queens, who organized a news conference at City Hall. “Either you are woefully ignorant of the horrors of cocaine addiction, or your god is the dollar bill and not even human life is more sacred.”

Joseph A. Califano Jr., chairman and president of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, used five adjectives — insidious, disgraceful, irresponsible, reprehensible and disgusting — to describe the soft drink.

“This is a salted, heavily caffeinated, sugary drink with extra calories that nobody needs,” said Marion Nestle, a professor of nutrition, food studies, and public health at New York University, after reviewing the nutritional label on the beverage.

“This is the height of irresponsibility for any company,” said Assemblyman Karim Camara of Brooklyn. Councilwoman Letitia James of Brooklyn called the beverage “a legal precursor to an illegal product,” while Councilman Larry B. Seabrook of the Bronx compared it to “imitation cigarettes, which caused generations upon generations to become smokers.”

Do you A) express contrition and change the name of the beverage, or B) pop the cork off a handy champagne bottle, then call you suppliers and triple your order while uttering a silent thanks to the knuckleheads who just got your little energy drink in the New York Times?

The last paragraph of the story tells you all you need to know:

Rupert Jee, owner of Hello Deli in Midtown, one of the five retailers listed on Cocaine’s Web site, said, “They did, in fact, list our name without authorization.” But Mr. Jee said he was inclined to continue selling the beverage.

Frickin’ brilliant. Note to self–be sure to send a press release about Crystal Meth Energy Bars to every Congressman in the country who is up for re-election.

8 thoughts on “Cocaine, the Follow-Up

  1. …and that’s Rupert Jee who’s always on Letterman, so bonus points for that.

  2. If that many politicians, bureaucrats, and healthfood nazis get up in arms about anything, it must be good! Maybe I’ll use it to wash down my next burger.

  3. I hope they don’t come out with New Coke. I like my Cocaine the way it is.

  4. I will be following this one closely. This country is sorely in need of a sense of humor, not to mention someone to put the fascists who are trying to tell you what to eat and drink back in their place (A scant few miles to the north of my city, the city of Tiburon has banned trans fats from all restuarants).

    My favorite is the woman whining about “extra calories that no one needs”. As Bob Dylan once sang, “Your debutante just knows what you need/But I know what you want…”

    I’m sorry, is wanting things illegal now too?

  5. Some people believe that individuals cannot be trusted to make their own decisions.

    Of course, some people also believe that the world was created in 4004 BC.

    Yet others believe that the government of the United States would conspire to kill thousands of its own citizens.

    What they all have in common is that they are a bunch of morons.

  6. A very sad day for marketing. RIP, Cocaine.

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